If you're feeling very distressed, please talk to a friend, and arrange to see your doctor as soon as possible.You don't have to suffer alone - there is help out there, so please reach out. Regardless of how many "successful matches" websites like Ok Cupid, Match.com, and EHarmony (and more terrifyingly, Christian Mingle and Jdate) claim, they are selling us a truly narrow conception of love.They encourage us to undertake a relentless quest for the "perfect match," to find "the one," or even, most absurdly, our "soulmate." There is a special place in the Hall of Smarm for the asshat who coined the term "soulmate." Granted, I am writing from a heterosexual female perspective, and I can only speak from that experience, so extrapolate what you will. Here are the blog entries I've written on this topic.Please note: body dysmorphic disorder is a serious condition and can be life threatening.I’m just, if you met John you would just think he was one of the sweetest guys. STEPHANIE: And, of course, he’s got a girl with him. In their time together though, she’d actually seen John accumulate two cycles of women. But relatively early in our relationship, she asked me this question where she was like, what do the women you normally date look like? That’s why we have to be careful but you’re letting them control your future and I refuse to do it. And that’s when they’ll find out that I have teeth. ALEX: Stephanie Foo is a producer for This American Life.And then to just suddenly very quickly all of a sudden find out that they’re cheating on you, in real time, that was a lot to take in. She was at his apartment, he wasn’t there, she sent him a text, Hey honey, where are you. PHOEBE: “Oh I’m just watching tv, sitting in our house doing nothing, I have to do homework.” That’s the text message I get while I was sitting on his couch. PHOEBE: And we three of us get in a huge fight and argument about it. In each cycle, he dated up to ten women at once, three to four serious girlfriends, and several casual relationships on the side. I was like, well uh, I don’t know, they can be short or tall. I had no idea, and I think that is is what that question was. ALEX: Reply All is hosted by PJ Vogt and me, Alex Goldman.
But when he showed up, she thought, wait, I don’t know anything about who this guy really is. Finally she lets him in, and they have a huge fight. STEPHANIE: At this point, all she knew was that the guy she’d been seeing had been cheating on her with at least four other people. But when she tries to go to his Facebook page, she finds out he’s blocked her. It’s kind of like when a spider meticulously creates its web. ALEX: Coming up after the break how to solve a problem like John. Like look all these girls are really seen as really submissive and just sort of just solely there for your sexual gratification, so like this physical expectation is coupled with this really problematic cultural expectation. Like a huge portion of my messages are from guys going on about my race and my exotic looks and my almond eyes. Special thanks this week to Emma Jacobs and Ashleyanne Krigbaum.He tells her that she’s the only one he truly loves, that nobody else meant anything to him. And now he was fighting with one of them outside of his apartment. But she remembers the names of a bunch of women she’d seen on his friends list, and she sends a mass-message to all of them saying, watch out. After a storm blows it away, the spider, unfazed, simply begins again. [BREAK ] ALEX: So in the first half of the show ,producer Stephanie Foo was telling the story of a wildly prolific cheater who exclusively targeted Asian women. STEPHANIE: One of the things that struck me reporting this story is that the women that John tricked, they’re all really smart, really successful. STEPHANIE: And it freaked me out, it terrified me as an Asian woman. PJ: That helps me understand and in your case you’re like, “I like girls I can prey on because they’re so easy to prey on.” It’s the associations with it. I mean, I get that not every guy who’s dated an Asian girl is a jerk, right. And then on top of that there are actually all these strangers messaging me, trying to warn me about other guys with yellow fever. A few months ago, a woman I didn’t know saw an innocuous interaction I had with a guy on Twitter. Our theme music is by The Mysterious Breakmaster Cylinder and our ad music is by Build Buildings. And the DVD extras for this episode are available at We’re actually taking next week off to work on a few stories, but we will see you in a couple weeks.She watched them from the window and actually took a picture of the two of them fighting just to prove that this all was really happening. Tara’s looking up at him, hurt, her hands on her hips. If he’s dating all of these women at the same time, you may be a victim of John’s too. The email Suzanne sent Phoebe was actually the third “Hey everyone, our boyfriend John’s a cheater” email that Phoebe had gotten. And in general, most Asian women already go into online dating with their guard up. STEPHANIE: A while ago, I also looked up John’s OKCupid account. His profile said he was interested in a relationship. And if I hadn’t don’t know, if I hadn’t known, if I hadn’t talked to these girls, it could have been me. She wrote to me to tell me to watch out, that the guy had yellow fever and would try to hit on me. And really soon after, I matched with another dude on a dating website, who messaged me that he had to warn me about something and told me to call him. Our website is replyall.limo, which was designed in partnership with Athletics. They are also covering race and dating, but from an entirely different perspective. I imagine a terror dome of single women, scaling a mountain of liars and cheaters and weak chin and halitosis-havers, heels and weave flying, to claw their way to this elusive One.Further, how can we compete with couples -- who are presented as the ideal -- in the great arena of happiness?